Friday, April 5

Idealize, Devalue and Discard- The Narcissistic Cycle

Idealize, Devalue and Discard.  The three most horrific words for anyone who has ever been involved and ensnared in the cycle of a narcissistic relationship.

At the beginning of your relationship, was he everything you ever wanted? Your knight in shining armor?  I bet he was.  Did he shower you with so much affection and praise?  Did he seem to genuinely listen to what you had to say?
I bet he did, perked up ears and all.

Narcissists are the absolute masters of charm and manipulation.  They have the uncanny ability to mirror back to you exactly what you desire, want and need.  Make no mistake, the narcissist cares nothing about you.

When your relationship first starts with an N, all the normal euphoric emotions that one normally feels when starting a new relationship is there.  However, there is an overwhelming feeling of disbelief on the victims part.  The N, once he as deemed you a viable source of supply (please see previous blogs), will come on so fast and strong you won't know what hit you.  You are in disbelief that this person feels so strongly about you right away.  Their charm and constant doting affection is nothing you have ever experienced.  It really seems too good to be true.

We know how that saying goes..............

Idealization is the first phase in this constant cycle that is the Narcissist.  The "pedestal phase" as many refer to it.  This is when the N is totally and utterly pulling out all the stops to get you hooked.  He would move mountains for your very happiness.  He loves everything about you and lets you know it.  He is in constant contact with you, making plans, wanting to see you.  He can't get enough of you right?  Wrong! He can and he will. Soon.
Once the N knows that his supply is on the hook, he slowly reels you in.  Now begins the real nightmare.

Devalue is the second phase.  I personally am not sure which phase is worse, devalue or discard.  They are both terrible.  Now that you are hooked, which with all that attention and loving being thrown your way, was probably fast, get ready because it is time to meet the man you are really with.

The N will either rapidly or slowly and insidiously begin to tear that pedestal out from under you.  He will do it with everything he has in his arsenal.  His arsenal is stocked, locked and loaded.  Stocked with his hatred and rage and inability to take responsibility for any of his actions or misgivings.  Forever angry and blaming anyone but himself because he hasn't accomplished much of anything.  Did I mention the N has a twitchy trigger finger? Research has shown that most N's develop their disorder in early adolescence.  It is often a direct result of abuse or neglect.  Mostly if not almost always from the mother.

The N's inability to maintain the "mask" of this charming impostor he projects, allows you to see just who he truly is.  His own inner turmoil, low self esteem (contrary to popular belief N's do not have the high self esteem they show the world) and fear of abandonment, facilitate the N's very own abandonment.  What he once found so amazing about you now becomes poison tipped barbs that he will hurl at you for seemingly no reason at all.  This causes immense confusion in victims.  They are unable to comprehend why this happened.  How could you be loved one minute and so viciously detested the next?

This is when the N will use everything you have ever confided in him against you.  Remember the N is a predator and he sized you up splendidly in the idealization phase.  All the time he listened so intently and pressed you for more information on your life and your past and your current and future goals, was all field notes my friend.  Research if you will.  All of that time and research will culminate in the final and devastating destruction of the victim.  The N will criticize everything about you, from the way you look, laugh, sleep or eat.  Nothing is out of bounds for this soul sucking sportsman.  He may come right out and criticize you harshly or he may do it very sneakily and underhandedly try and disguise it like he only wants to help you.  He doesn't and he wont.

The N will emotionally detach from you, make excuses to spend less time with  you or come home late or not at all.
All of a sudden his work becomes all engulfing.  What the N is doing is devaluing you.  He is doing this because he is is irreparably broken inside.  A true modern day zombie void of anything other than primal urges and instant gratifications.  He is doing it because he doesn't really want to do all that is required to maintain his supply.  He needs the supply like a drug, he knows this and resents it.  N's get bored VERY easily and like any drug addict needs more and more each time to maintain his high.  The euphoria felt at the onset of any relationship will eventually wear off as it is proven that surges of chemicals in the brain cause this feeling and do not normally sustain such high levels.  Most people by that time, that are in healthy relationships have grown to understand and respect one another and the boundaries that are set.  They have developed and nurtured a loving relationship that creates a fulfilling lifestyle for those involved while still maintaining autonomy.  You will never have this with an N.  It is impossible they will not allow it.  They look at people in these relationships as weak, whipped or pathetic.  This is all because the N's emotional and developmental stages were stunted in childhood/adolescence by some traumatic event.  Not everyone who experiences childhood traumas develop Narcissistic Personality.  He will tear you down in his mind because he resents his dependence on you.

Discard is the third and final phase.  Just when the N has torn you down to the bowels of hell with his harsh words and in many cases acts of violence, he will discard you.  Once he has sucked every bit of your energy and life out of you he will throw you away with cold blooded heartlessness.  Throughout the devaluing phase the victim has tirelessly tried to figure out what they did to make the N turn on them.  The N has made it very clear throughout the devaluing phase that everything was the victims fault.  EVERYTHING.  The victim is tired and repressed.  By this point they probably have become so withdrawn they have little to no social life left.  The N has succeeded in isolating and degrading the victims self esteem to match his own.  Since the victim can no longer provide any source of supply, the N will then leave them without a second glance.  But mark my words they never leave you unless they have already secured another source of supply.  Read that again and again.  It may not be another lover, it can be anything or anyone a new friend, old friends, anything that at that given time the N perceives to be a greater or better source of supply.  They are always looking for better supply. Always. They are opportunistic to the core.  The N will make his final strike at you and vanish, if he lives with you he will pack up and go all the while either giving you the silent treatment or a deadly devalue combo.  He will leave, no closure, nothing.  Just a barren wasteland in his wake.

If he comes back and he will, if you take him back, rinse and repeat.

As always I write from experience and hold no degrees or certifications pertaining to this disorder.
My experience in life with N's on various levels is they come back, they always come back.  When their supply is low or enough time has passed that they believe you have recharged and may offer supply anew, they will come back.
(See Narcissistic Curtain Calls)

If you have experienced a relationship on any level with one of these personalities, it was sure to leave lasting marks.  If you are still involved with this type of personality on an intimate level you need to cut and run and fast.
Your very existence depends on it.  You will never ever live up to the unrealistic expectations forced upon you.

In many of my blogs I use the pronoun he, but Narcissists can be and are female as well.

www.thelamplighters.org






34 comments:

  1. Married for 2 years but total of 4 soon to be second ex husband. If I was in the way with his pornography ptostitution strip clubs online dating and womanizing he will be verbally and physically abusive. He called me names fat ugly old and give me something to look at. I'm currently unemployed staying with a friend he depleted my account wanted to go back he told me too late he found someone else. Soon to be wife number 3 who looks like his daughter. No contact is the best contact. I filed fir divorce on 3/13 he met his match with wife number 3.

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  2. you are so right it is real it is the most terrible experience I have ever went through I tried to find anything online that would say no they do change nothing it is who they are once you learn to live and let live it helps no contact is the key going on 2 years now and have to see her daily at work thank god everyone at work knows her they warned me but I was sucked in married her and now divorced lost everything

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    1. You didn't lose everything. You got out alive and intact. THAT'S the best thing you could have done. There is no shortage of stuff in the USA. You can always get more stuff. Preserving your head, heart, and spirit is FAR more valuable.

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  3. First hand experience of a narcissist seems to be the only way to 'get' them, but by then it is usually an extremely difficult thing to do to rid yourself of them. For me, it was made even more difficult by the fact that my own father was one. His abuse was so traumatic that I 'shut down'. I limped forward with my life, not realising that the boys/youths/men I was getting involved with were all narcissists - I was unconsciously looking for that same role model. I entered into these abusive relationships with low self esteem and low confidence. These people know how to make you feel 'special', but it is just a ruse to reel you in as you say. Then a familiar trend follows: you see them for who they really are, become a victim of domestic violence. They twist your head up by saying they love you one minute but actually hate you in the next minute by beating you up. Several years of this treatment and you are a sad pathetic shadow of the person you once were. My advice is to get the hell out at all costs and do not jump straight into another relationship with a narcissist. they seem to have a radar for women who have been abused this way, but until you wake up to this, you will simply go from one narcissist to another and end up a chronic alcoholic, chronic drug abuser or dead. Find some self respect. Find some self love. Leave with just the clothes on your back. There are places out there like women's refuges. just leave and never go back. Educate yourself about narcissism . Take time to heal. Avoid these people like the plague. You deserve better. Do not believe anything other than this Truth.

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  4. read my blog http://in-transit-forever.blogspot.in/2014/02/are-you-crazy-or-is-he-making-you-that.html

    I am on the verge of a no contact situation...I wont divorce so easy because i want it on papers as to what really happened as this is my second marriage and i have been publicly humiliated and abandoned several times.

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  5. My current relationship with an N has run its course after two years. What you just wrote, felt like I was watching a movie based on my relationship. The first six months were absolutely amazing. Gradually the decline began. And now the previous one year, I think about 60-70% time I was given silent treatment and/or break up with impossible and daunting expectations. Constantly I was given a mental torture. Now that it is over, I am trying to pick up the pieces and go NC. Thank you so much for this article.

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  6. This is mind boggling. Someone who i met and knew for years as my best friend. Then I was involved 10 years later after a divorce. I loved him with my every soul, mind and spirit. He had other women and denied it, even after I saw him hugging her before they went into a restaurant. 3 yrs of this craziness, by a totally crazy retard. 1 month plus with no contact, but i stop counting. Its almost like some addiction on my part. Run, don't walk but run as fast as you can if you encounter these monsters.

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  7. I ended up here from a search on idealization and devaluation in the context of borderline personality disorder. It would do some good for anyone in a troubled relationship to make sure the issue is not their own. People with BPD idealize others, then devalue them, and it makes it very hard for anyone in a relationship with someone who has BPD very difficult until they eventually can't handle it anymore especially when it's a severe case of BPD. The intense emotions of BPD often overwhelm cognitive function leading to misperceptions and overreaction which may or may not be out of context. So it's very possible, especially in severe cases, that someone with BPD can project these negative misperceptions onto someone else making them seem narcissistic. It can be hard to tell since your cognitive function is diminished, sometimes greatly, but it's not a delusional disorder so you should be able to notice symptoms if you pay close attention. There is a good chance they are narcissistic but if there's a chance you have BPD, you should see a psychiatrist/psychotherapist because it can improve your love life. Getting help if you need it is also a form of self love. This is coming from someone who's dated someone with BPD, knows people who've dated someone with BPD, and is currently researching the possibility of myself having a mild case of it.

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  8. This post is so well written. I had some understanding of the concept of idealize, devalue and discard. I just wasn't seeing it through the N's point of view and so didn't fully understand how it worked. The new shiny thing (whatever that is) is just too irresistible and gives them what they are looking for now. Instant gratification. The old thing is just too much work and isn't producing enough. That makes total sense to me now. Especially since they have a stunted emotional maturity. A 5 year old with a new toy, but they still want to play with the old toy if it seems new to them again. Eventually they will get bored or dissatisfied yet again. Thanks for this post! And thanks additionally for point out - there are female N's. I would also point out that this behavior can be so subtle that you don't even realize what you went through until later.

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    1. Omg! I love that analogy!!!! That's it!!! :)

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  9. I am so glad to bump into your article. All these months, after he discarded me, i have been sitting n analysing what happened and what went wrong. I just couldnt understand. None of my friends could help me too. I just couldnt understand why he discarded me after making plans of getting married. Just suddenly he started to devalue me by avoiding n getting angry as well as irritated for no reason. But your article has shed some light on what happened to me. What you have described was exactly what happened to me. Its the exact story. Thank you so much for sharing with us!!! I am so grateful. Now i know, there's nothing wrong with me but he is just a N. I never knew such people existed and i never knew there are others who share the same experience. However, i do not know why i am still hoping for him to return. Hoping this feeling would go away. Anyway, thanks once again for sharing. At least i wont be sitting and cracking my head.

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  10. Tears came to my eyes as I read this. I can't explain more without this becoming a long-drawn out story, except to say I really needed to read this now. I have known for a long time that he was a narcissist and I have read everything on the subject -- so I can't say I wasn't warned about D&D. Nevertheless, you never really imagine it will happen to you and that you will be helpless about it. The upside is that he has not succeeded in breaking me down as I have been amply prepared about the stages he will go through -- but it is painful all the same. I hope I come out of this a better and stronger person.

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  11. I am divorcing my husband after 33 years of his porn addiction crazy behaviour lies and deceit, all of which was my fault or his mothers including his porn addiction he never took responsibility for nothing he did never apologised for any thing then after a life of misery with him giving him chance after chance out of no where he dropped me like a hot potato and left, thinking back he never loved or cared for me I see that now he used me to make him look normal, I wish he would have left years ago he stole my life I put up with all the crap and he left me.

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    1. i could have written your email anonymous june 25, its what my ex did exactly every thing is the same and i mean every thing,plus when mine left he had a new woman right away not one bit jealous of her i know what shes got, she has still to find out, she will think she has mr wonderful just now he has taken her abroad on holiday taking her out all the time so i am told,it will all change once he has her hooked he wont have to me for her his work and porn are his priortys

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  12. The above blog is frightening in it's accuracy, although I don't know if she is npd, bpd or an out and out sociopath . . . says that she feels guilt, so I guess can't be a sociopath.I truly thought she was an angel . . .love-bombing . . . she moved heaven and earth to have me trust her . . . I tried to run at the start, my gut instinct told me to do so, I didn't yet love her and almost got away (there were signs, the stare, the feeling of this being to good to be true etc etc ) the moment I trusted her she turned into a monster: gaslighting, lying, manipulation, projection, silent treatment, the most profound cruelty I have ever experienced in my life. . . made my life a living hell. When I tried to leave she fell to pieces. I forgave her, took her back. Moment she had me back she flipped again, and again, and again. I'm a sixteen year cancer survivor; on one occasion after much cruelty and silent treatment she called me on my survival anniversary, knowing that it was a sacred day for me, once more the angel, contrite, balling her eyes out, asking for me to forgive her . . . flipped three days later.Another time she got me back with a text a text saying she had cancer. I could never bare to see her hurt, but when I was hurt it was as if she smelt blood and went in for the kill. She sucked me dry, strength, dreams, almost everything . . . challenged my will to live, which for a cancer survivor is everything. The devaluation discard phase of our relationship was much worse than chemo. Most frightening of all, I still love this woman. .

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  13. I have be married for nine years my husband and i where living happily and just two months ago my husband ment his ex girl friend whom he had in school days and all of a sudden he started dating her again and he never cared about his family again all he does is to stay late at night and when he come's back he will just lie to me that he hard some fault with his car,there was this faithful day i caught the both of them in a shop,i walked to them and told the girl to stay of my husband girlfriend again,i have suffered too much in the hand of a cheating husband but and when he came home that evening he beat me up even despite the fact that i was pregnant he was just kicking and warning me to never point a finger on his affairs. thank to ancientokija whom i got from a blog site after a long search for a real spell caster i was so happy that he fufilled all what he said in just less than three days after the spell was casted they quareled and he broke up with the girl and his senses are fully back and he now care and love me like he have never done before and if you are their suffering from a broken marriage or your husband or ex cheats? you can email (ancientokijashrine@gmail.com) his spells are pure and very powerful without any doubt.


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  14. I have been sucked in over the past ten years by the same man again and again. Not knowing that this was what was happening to me over and over again. Actually believing that I was the crazy stalker and that I was being abusive and that each and everytime he dumped me and left me at the side of the road like a bag of garbage that it was my fault. Each time there was a reason, first his ex wife wanted him back, then his son was having anxiety problems, then it was my children he couldn't handle, then it was me he wasn't sure about, then he needed space, then he knew it was me we planned a wedding, then I was dumped on Xmas day as he went back to his ex wife, then he knew for sure how much he loved me, then yet again I was not what he wanted, then he needed to be alone, then it was me and we were wrong for each other, I cannot even remember how many times he came and left and each time it was different each time the amount of time he was away. Each time he returned the compliments were so amazing, I was the most beautiful sexiest woman he had ever known, a great cook, amazing lover, great person to talk with, then all of a sudden then boom Jekyll and Hyde - he started picking at everything I did, I sniffled too much, talked too loud, wore too much makeup, or not enough, then started what I had said or done years ago, we were wrong for each other, and the punishment, the silent treatment, then he wanted to make a life with another woman. It was all my fault. Silent treatment as if I never existed, then two months later on Valentines Day the texts started, hi, pretty, beautiful, and it all started again, this time it was less time, I got punished for I dont even know and was told we were the worst couple on earth and were never going to be compatible and that was it. This was after a great day, awesome cuddliing and lovemaking session, a kiss goodbye then he dropped off the face of the earth. I waited and waited and when asked why I didn't hear from him I got it was all my fault and he could never forgive me for everything I had done and we should just never speak to each other again. Crazy enough he was going on a trip to the Caribbean for a wedding in less than three weeks and to me it felt like well I wasn't going to go and he needed time to have a date. My self esteem is crushed and I feel like I am the most worthless person who will never be good enough for anyone. I just don't know how I could be so naive and stupid and funny his ex told me he would do this to me and I was so awful to her I probably could have had a better friend in her and I should have believed and listened to her.

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  15. I am going to make this as short as possible... I just got out of a 6 year relationship with a someone that is completely Narcissistic... I am actually doing not to bad I think it's because I started catching on to his behaviour...my issue is... I need help on how to approach a very sensitive situation regarding..some of my belongings that still remain in his apartment... how do I get that back... without the draining and hurt.. please help me...

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  16. You know... There are some terrible people out there. Bad, abusive, evil, and so on. But to treat someone with a personality disorder as a nonperson is rather unfair, and can honestly be used to discount anyone who wrongs you, or even by a narcissist themselves. I'm not saying that all of the terrible people you describe weren't narcissists, or didn't have something irreparably broken inside, but to discount a large swath of people (Borderline, Narcissistic, etc) as nonentities is to do those people (and people with mental illness in general) a disservice. So, to all of the people who left the abusive people you were with, I'm happy for you, and I hope that none of you fall into such a trap again. But remember that people with personality disorders are just that: People with a disorder who need help. That aside... please stay safe.

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    1. They don't see themselves as people with a personality disorder; they seem themselves as being perfect. How can you feel sorry for someone who thinks like that? Yes, they need help but they won't admit it! So, stay away from these people who pretend to be people. They don't see you as people, they see you as things.

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    2. I have borderline personality disorder and I know it and I admit it. Please don't make sweeping statements about people with mental health issues. I’m in weekly therapy and I'm trying my hardest to recover. I know I idealize and devalue, and I apologize to my husband when I do it. We (people with personality disorders) aren't all the same. It's unbelievable that anyone has to actually say that. I'm sure you wouldn't want me to stereotype you based on your gender/race/socioeconomic background.

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  17. I am just getting out of a "relationship" if I can even call it that with an N. I am slowly reading these posts and can relate to almost every one of them. When I finally write mine I hope it makes me feel better or feel something. Anything but the hurt and pain.

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  18. Its truly sad how they make you out to think youre the crazy one and how everything is your fault and you start to believe them. They make you out to be the bad guy and everyone believes them because youre seen as "crazy" when you finally break down from all the stress they have put upon you. Everything you do is never enough you are like an object to them only to be used and thrown away and when you mention that to them they say everything is wrong with you. And after all the attention they say youre the whore and have the personality disorder but in actuality its them projecting onto you.

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  19. I believe I am the victim of a Narcissistic female lover whom I married. It is the only thing the explain how I could go from being made to feel like the most important person in the world and everything she ever wanted for a period of 3 months, than out of nowhere a full year of constant criticisms of everything, such as being told my body is too thin, I'm not masculine enough, 'I'm like a Jew in a concentration camp' etc., to being told a month after our wedding that she changed her mind and didn't want me anymore. In that 2 and a half years I never understood what was happening. I always tried everything to make he feel special. I had to work hard to get a fiance visa to move out from Ireland and leave all my family behind to move out to the US where her family live, then to send me home a month after our wedding with no explanation. Every time I'd try to ask her what I did wrong and why she was criticizing me she would threaten to end our relationship or refuse to express romantic feelings to me for a period of time. I always prayed each day that there would be no conflict but it seemed everything or anything could lead to a barrage of criticisms or rages. I recall one night where I was sleeping and I woke up to the sound of her cursing my name and saying 'go away, go home' as she getting up for work (which I pretended to remain asleep through), but then 15 minutes later she woke me u, gave me a kiss as she would do every morning before work, as if nothing had ever happened. It felt like I had just dreamed the prior 15 minutes. In the last period before I finally returned to there was a night when I was sitting using the internet and she out of the blue took to criticizing me about the fact that I was a little thin (I had lost weight as the stress of moving from Ireland and trying to adjust to life in America took its toll on me) and not muscular enough. But I was so tried of remaining passive to these random criticisms that I simply said to her 'well, you should look at yourself in the mirror some time, maybe you could do with losing a few pounds, and with that she jumped from the sofa punched on me like a tiger and tried to choke as hard as she could. After that she started crying and said she was afraid she could have killed me and maybe it would be best I go him. I decided to go home after that but we had planned on just taking a relationship breather with the intention of trying to restart thing, but before I ever landed in Ireland she had her Facebook profile photo changed from our wedding portrait to a photo of just her, which confused some of her friends. One I had some home, communication out of the blue started to become less and less freqquent, I was unable to Skype her from day one, and within 3 weeks after a family vacation to California with her family, the last 'I love you' I got from her was in a call at a motel she stayed on her way back home with her family. Communication after that suddenly became a very rare occurrence, where I might get a neutral message once every 2 weeks. Then all of a sudden a divorce was placed on my lap, I was not given any say in the situation, and she went even so far as to threaten to publish it in my newspaper if I would not sign, even though I had not given any indication that I wanted to fight her in the divorce. She knew I had moral reservations against divorce as I'm a Catholic, and she has always said she shared those reservations, but she did not care in the slightest about my feelings. (continued)

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  20. The girl I has mutually called a best friend for over 5 years, a fiancé for one year, and a wife for 3 months became like a cold, impersonal stranger who had no personal attachment to me whatsoever. After the divorce was finally signed there was a small 6 month watered down friendship where we might play a game together and have the odd skype text chat (everything from Skype to messages was only ever on her terms, I had no say in any of the interactions, and she often even mentioned that it was one-sided), but out of the blues one Wednesday, after having a friendly exchange the day before, she just disappeared, wouldn't answer my calls and wouldn't reply to my emails. I had sent or a gift in the meantime to see if that would reduce this cold silence and I indeed got an email back to thank me (there was no mention in the email of the disappearance or avoiding my calls, just a casual two line take you message and how she's enjoying the items). Within that time I saw the last line of contact (she had already removed me from Facebook a year before) killed by removing me from her Skype contact list. There was no explanation for any of this, no fight or obvious cause, it just felt I was finally all used up and discarded. I don't know if this is the sign of a narcissist but I need to understand what caused everything, how someone can go from idealizing you to raging an all out psychological war on you for no apparent reason, only to disappear without warning despite the long history we had together. I'm really confused one year on after our break-up and it's affecting every aspect of my life because I'm still mourning the loss of a relationship and marriage that I can't figure out what happened to see it all go down the toilet. I'm so hurt, psychologically drained. I did more than the average person for the relationship. I had to go through a stressful visa process, along with living my country and moving to the US that cost me thousands. I really wish I could understand what happened and why it happened to me.

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    1. Hi Christopher, I know your post is a bit old, but I wanted to say that I'm so sorry this has happened to you. How awful. I have a personality disorder and I can tell you that I struggle every day with idealisation vs devaluation. I can see that pattern in your ex-wife. But I guess the difference might be that she just may not be a very nice person along with having personality disorder traits. Sorry if that upsets you. Best wishes for your future.

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  21. Wow, can someone be a narcissist at 18? My daughter had a boyfriend in high school for 2 years--they just graduated. He was a shy, sweet boy, I thought. It was always a hard relationship, but she thought it was because of his very controlling parents. I know the parents well and his dad has a lot of narcissistic qualities and lives through his kids. Everything this boy does is because it's what his dad wanted to do, but didn't get to when he was his age. This boy treated her like she was the best thing that ever happened to him--at first. But for the last 8 months, he did what you say above, the devaluing, saying, "My dad says...." He was critical of everything about her and about our family, at first subtly, then in an angry and self-righteous way, like he had to point out hers/our flaws. That's when I started to worry for her, because he was very cruel, but she still insisted it was just because of his father (I didn't think so). Then one morning he says he woke up and thought, "I'm going to break up with her," which he did through a text. Really broke her heart and it was hard to watch her go through it, but if this is who he might be, I'm truly grateful. Within 2 weeks, he had another girl, a girl whom he told my daughter he despised or some reason or other. Is he just turning into his father??

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  22. Amazing how exact the personality, the three stages, the lying, cheating, and sadly the abuse is the same. I ended the relationship last night. My heart and spirit is broken. I saw early signs in retrospect. When you get that feeling something isn't quite right, please don't ignore it. Save yourself from the devastation and heartbreak a N will surely cause. I hope I and all other targets of their N can find the courage, self-esteem, and strength to to move on and never look back.

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  23. Amazing how exact the personality, the three stages, the lying, cheating, and sadly the abuse is the same. I ended the relationship last night. My heart and spirit is broken. I saw early signs in retrospect. When you get that feeling something isn't quite right, please don't ignore it. Save yourself from the devastation and heartbreak a N will surely cause. I hope I and all other targets of their N can find the courage, self-esteem, and strength to to move on and never look back.

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  24. Amazing how exact the personality, the three stages, the lying, cheating, and sadly the abuse is the same. I ended the relationship last night. My heart and spirit is broken. I saw early signs in retrospect. When you get that feeling something isn't quite right, please don't ignore it. Save yourself from the devastation and heartbreak a N will surely cause. I hope I and all other targets of their N can find the courage, self-esteem, and strength to to move on and never look back.

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    1. I also feel the pain the three stages all the lies and cheating, he picked of fight with me moved out and moved in with her. He knocked backon my door in March saying he made a mistake so I took him back we were toger for 15 years. It lasted 7 weeks of hell on earth, so he packed his bags again and moved back in with her. Now 3 months later again knocking on my door telling me blah blah blah how she does want to find a job he's payng for everything over ther etc.... all bull shit. He said he down graded I was a Corvette and sh'e a Chevette that was a laugh. He nearly killed me when he left the second time oh he had me fill out his insurance policy from work that i'm the beniferacy on it and the stautues he put down I was his girlfriend, he's living with the other woman. So when he leaves he gives me a hug, then kissses me on the lips I did not kiss him back so he did it again, again I did not kisshim back so he tried a third tim I just gave hi a peck to leave me alon and he left. I can now see the lying cheating scum he is I loved this man for over 5 years and now I can see who he is and my heart hurts he never ever loved me never will.

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  25. My story. But ofc just short story.
    She was so in love and yes she was all in our relationship talking about marriage and babies only few days after we meet it was unbeliveble how much she was in love with me. Her soulmate. I was in heven. Then one day all out of sudden she was gone so quicke she had no interest but did not dumped me i should just wait or something. I did always try and try to convinse her but everything i said was bad and she was so angry. But at the same time she was talking to other boys. And if i mention that i was calling her slut and whore.

    Then she dumped my finally and few days later she sent me letter that she had no feeling for my and i should look in a mirror to find out why and she never want to see my again. She said she have no feeling for me and if i were the only man left on earth she would not tuch me not even with gloves. So mean so so mean. She were in a relationship now and have never been happyer somehow found her soulmate. Just few days after she finally break up with me.

    I have talked to doctors beacuse it was hard for me but he said to me i should be most worried about when she come back.

    Will she ?

    It is soo much relife finding this side after i have been big questionmark since last november.

    2 days ago i was hoping she contact me every day. Today i hope she will never contact but i’m afraid she will after few months when she give up on her soulmate.

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  26. I am a 40 year old male narcissist. I am not proud of this fact. I have started a blog that will hopefully help explain why narcissists become who they are so you can be sure if you have kids to watch out for these types of behaviors and if you encounter a narcissist you can watch out for the red flags. My aim is to help people and potentially help myself. Feel free to check it out. www.imanarcissist.com

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  27. What you describe is called Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). It is actually different from Narcissism. Sorry you had to go through this.

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